Mark Twain
189 quotations
When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.
A man cannot be made comfortable without his own approval.
Sometimes too much drink is barely enough.
Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.
It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.
There isn't a single human characteristic that can be safely labeled as American.
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
We have the best government that money can buy.
Damn the subjunctive. It brings all our writers to shame.
A habit cannot be tossed out the window; it must be coaxed down the stairs a step at a time.
To stop smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know; I've done it a thousand times.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Heaven goes by favor; if it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
One may make their house a palace of sham, or they can make it a home, a refuge.
Honesty is the best policy -- when there is money in it.
It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.
There is a great deal of human nature in people.
If man had created man, he would be ashamed of his performance.
There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce.
Man is a creature made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.
The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.
A crank is someone with a new idea -- until it catches on.
In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made School Boards.
I would rather have my ignorance than another man's knowledge, because I have so much of it.
You cannot depend on your judgments when your imagination is out of focus.